The Frequency

The Space Between the Spider and the Wheel

Maybe leadership starts in the space between the trigger and the reaction. Learning to lead yourself means learning to pause, choose your response, and become the example you want others to see.

Let’s Talk About Spiders

Just saying the word probably creates some kind of reaction in you.

Maybe you don't like them. Maybe you're perfectly comfortable with them. Maybe you just looked around the room to make sure there isn't one nearby.

And that's actually interesting.

Nothing happened. I just said a word.

Spider.

Yet your brain may have already done something with it.

The word itself can create an emotional response before there is even anything to respond to.

That got me thinking about something that happened to me years ago.

The Spider

It was a nice, sunny day. Actually, it was hot.

I had the windows up, the air conditioning running, and a local radio station playing as I headed down the highway. Traffic was moving along normally, and I was on my way to a customer site because I had a project I needed to move forward.

I was probably doing somewhere around 60 or 65 miles per hour.

And then, without warning, a large, hairy spider dropped down directly in front of my face.

My immediate reaction was basically:

Holy crap. There's a huge spider in front of my face.

For a split second, everything else disappeared.

There was just the spider.

But almost immediately, something else occurred to me.

What’s actually the bigger threat here? The spider? Or me reacting to the spider?

Because I was still driving.

At highway speed.

With other vehicles around me.

If I jerked the wheel, swerved into another lane, slammed on the brakes, or otherwise reacted without thinking, I could have created a much bigger problem than the spider ever could.

So I didn't.

I kept the wheel straight.

I continued driving until I could safely pull over, and then I dealt with the spider.

And that was it.

The spider wasn't attacking me. It wasn't chasing me. It wasn't poisonous. It wasn't trying to hurt me.

It was just being a spider.

Funny how even a picture of a spider can make some of us uncomfortable. Nothing is actually happening, yet the reaction can still be very real.

The Spider Didn't Change

What struck me afterward was that the spider didn't actually change.

My understanding of the situation changed.

My first reaction was automatic.

But my next action didn't have to be.

Once I gave myself a moment to process what was happening, I could see the situation differently.

The spider was still there.

The traffic was still there.

The highway was still there.

The circumstances hadn't changed.

What changed was my perspective.

And that got me thinking about how often this happens in everyday life!

There’s a space between what happens and what we do next. Sometimes, that space is only a moment. But that moment can make all the difference.

The Space Between the Trigger and the Reaction

We experience triggers all the time.

Sometimes they're obvious.

Sometimes it's an email.

Sometimes it's something someone says.

Sometimes it's criticism.

Sometimes it's something we see.

Sometimes it's something we don't understand.

And sometimes the trigger isn't even the thing itself. It's the meaning we've attached to it.

The word spider can produce a reaction before a spider ever appears.

Then the actual spider shows up and suddenly the emotional response gets much stronger.

That's where things get interesting.

Because there's a difference between having a reaction and choosing what to do with that reaction.

The first response may be automatic.

The next response is where we have an opportunity.

Information Changes Perspective

One of the things I've been thinking about more is how much information affects the way we see a situation.

We make assumptions constantly.

Our brains have to. We don't have unlimited time or information, so we fill in gaps. We recognize patterns. We make predictions.

Sometimes those predictions are useful.

Sometimes they're wrong.

And sometimes we don't even realize we've made them.

The spider is a simple example.

My brain saw something unexpected in front of my face and immediately registered it as a threat.

But once I had more information, I could assess the situation differently.

That same thing happens with people, decisions, problems, organizations and even events happening around us.

We see something.

We react.

We create a story about what it means.

And then we act on that story.

The problem is that the story isn't always the whole picture.

Leadership Isn't Always About Leading Other People

We often think about leadership as something that happens between people.

Someone leads a team.

Someone makes a decision.

Someone communicates a vision.

Someone takes responsibility.

Those things matter.

But I think there's another form of leadership that gets overlooked.

Self-leadership.

How do I respond when something unexpected happens?

How do I respond when someone challenges me?

How do I respond when I feel threatened?

How do I respond when I don't have all the information?

How do I respond when my first instinct is telling me to do one thing, but a little more thought tells me something else?

We don't get to choose how threats come to us.

But we do get to choose how we respond.

Sometimes we get hours or days to think something through.

Sometimes we get minutes.

And sometimes we get a split second.

That's when the ability to pause becomes incredibly valuable.

Keep the Wheel Straight

I keep coming back to that moment on the highway.

A spider dropped in front of my face.

My first reaction was automatic.

But somewhere between the stimulus and the reaction, there was just enough awareness to recognize what was actually happening.

I didn't need to eliminate the spider before I could make a good decision.

I just needed to avoid making the situation worse.

So I kept the wheel straight.

Maybe that's a useful metaphor for life.

Things are going to drop in front of us.

Some of them will scare us.

Some will frustrate us.

Some will make us angry.

Some will challenge what we believe.

Some will force us to make decisions before we have all the information we'd like to have.

We can't always control what shows up.

But we can create a little space between what happens and what we do next.

We can pause.

We can gather information.

We can question our assumptions.

We can look at something from another perspective.

And then we can choose.

Your first reaction can be automatic. Your next action doesn't have to be.

Maybe leadership doesn't always begin with leading someone else.

Maybe sometimes it begins with something much simpler.

Learning to lead yourself.

And sometimes that means doing nothing more complicated than keeping the wheel straight.

Author’s Note

Doug Fessler is a technology coordinator, IT consultant, and technology educator based in Pennsylvania. Through his work with organizations, schools, and community programs, he works at the intersection of technology, education, people, and the systems that connect them.

Doug writes The Frequency to explore the intersection of technology, people, communities, leadership, and the world we are building around them. His goal isn't to tell readers what to think, but to ask better questions, challenge assumptions, and look at familiar things from a different perspective.

Sometimes that means exploring technology and artificial intelligence. Sometimes it means looking at leadership, human behavior, systems thinking, or an ordinary experience that turns out to have something larger hiding underneath it.

This article was written by Douglas E. Fessler. AI-assisted tools were used to help structure and clarify ideas during the writing process. The experiences, observations, interpretations, and perspectives expressed in this article are the author's own.

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